The void

I was feeling so excited to finally be free from the dust cloud around my energy (aka weed) - I quickly jumped into allll the things I thought I wanted to do without really taking the time to think them through. You may recall me sharing about teaching yoga and the genuine excitement I had around it - that was true AND when I gave that decision time to breathe, I felt different. Of course I want to share what has been so grounding for me and what brings me back to my body, over and over again.

Yoga does not judge - it allows you to show up as you are in all different versions of you. I realized that if I were to teach, I would be so in my mind - worried about the cues, saying the right thing, adjustments, making playlists - seeking validation and perfection. That did not feel aligned, so I let it go! Now I feel free.

So, what came next?! A huge emotional wave crashing down over all of my dreams I thought I had for ‘Rise Flow Rest’ - how can I even keep this name? What the fuck am I doing? Who even am I now? How will I ever get out of recruiting!? Shit! So ensued the spiral of thoughs: anxiety, worry, fear - all the not trusting.

So, I looked to my Human Design - my life theme and purpose centers around cultivating unwavering trust in myself and life. Oh boy! This is not where I was heading - I was full blown in control mode! I re-centered myself, and have taken time off Instagram to let myself be in the void. This is uncomfortable as fuck!

I used to use weed to escape having to face this. I could numb out - feel existential and just vibe with my energy and some music, zone out to the TV and eat all the snacks without any concerns. This was helpful for me at one time, until it wasn't. I have shared on Instagram, but want to reiterate here - I will NEVER judge you for smoking or drinking or whatever it is you like to do. Please know my expressions of my relationship with weed and what it became are solely a reflection of my own experience.

I share openly about these things because I know there are people out there who need some encouragement that it’s possible to walk away. I am livigng proof you can do it! I thought I would never be able to actually quit, and here I am over 2 months in!

So, back to the void - I have been digging so deep into my human design and it is helping me understand myself in a profound way. I am a 1/3 Generator with Emotional Authority for those who may be curious. Anyways, I have realized because of how I am wired & looking over my past, I am in a place where I am TIRED!! I have been using productivity as a vehicle for validation and self worth. “Hey look at me, look at all the things I can do, look that I am capable of”! I recognize now that was just my inner child screaming for belonging and to be seen.

One of my core pain points is feeling unseen & that is an area I still have to check myself on. I can use Instagram to fulfill all the deep desires I have in very unhealthy ways. It is a way for me to feel seen and validated. It is also a vortex for my deepest pain - when I pour my heart out or show up authentically and it appears nobody gives a shit - that cuts so deep. It is about so much more than likes and comments. It feels like a dig at who I am as a person.

Look, I know that sounds so sensitive and also like I am giving an app so much power. Maybe I am? The reality is I FEEL EVERYTHING - so much! Being an Emotional, I ride waves of emotions and I deeply feel things - from getting teary over hearing about someones engagement to ugly crying over a touching post - I feel it all, deeply. I care!

Instagram feels like it would devour me right now. Not because I don’t want to connect, but because I do - it is so easy to get swept up in posting for validation! So for the sake of my heart, I took a little break and I am mindfully working through where I am at with all of it. I have no idea right now what direction I am heading in. I just know I have been taking baby steps every single day to love myself fully - to let myself be without performing or doing or whatever it is I think is expected of me.

A small example of this is skipping yoga poses in class on Thursday. I never do that, I always want to make sure I am trying and doing the “full class”. Instead, I listened to my body and my heart that rainy morning - a small whisper of “skip this today” - and guess what - nobody cares and I felt much better for it. I felt like I was actually choosing me instead of checking off my to-do list of completing a class.

I used to feel like I had to go to yoga every morning. I would spend the entire day trying to make up for the version of myself I was being every night when I was smoking. It was so conflicting, like I was two different people - who I was showing up as in the world, and who I became when all the lights were off. That shame was so heavy, and I carried it for so long. No wonder I am tired!

I am unraveling old parts of myself and weaving myself back together with new perspectives. It is that in-between place where everything is shifting, but nothing has landed just yet. So I have been sitting with myself - with the discomfort, the quiet, the unknown. I have been going on walks and pulling cards and diving head first into human design. I have been spending time in my little room that is the “HQ of Unraveling”. I am having a great time and also scared as fuck! Free fall with no plan?! Ummm have we met? I am the queen of mapping it all out.

The cards have really been speaking to me! My pull from this morning:

Wildness – because I’m meant to wander. To respond. To not always know.

Balance – because I’m swinging like a fucking pendulum some days.

Love – because yeah, of course love. Love keeps showing up when I finally slow down long enough to feel it.

And I’m realizing: I’m not lost.

I’m not broken.

I’m just… becoming. And it’s okay if that doesn’t look productive!!

I don’t know what’s next for me—career, offerings, Instagram, all of it—but I do know that I don’t want to build anything out of desperation or noise.