Ritual + Resonance
I have been in a state of deep reflection as I was in “the void.” How did I end up there, you might be asking? Well, I quit smoking weed. Like, actually quit — never going back, my life has moved in a new direction kind of quit. I know this because I have half-ass quit many times before. I wasn’t ready to be done; I had a million excuses as to why I still “needed it,” or I just decided I didn’t give a fuck and tried to convince myself I was fine, and this was the life I wanted.
After many failed attempts and having to find the courage to quit over and over again, something shifted. Not only did this happen because I just kept trying, I was also working with an incredible therapist doing parts work. I was able to have a very healing session with her back in February when I was home in Phoenix, AZ. I also had a conversation with myself about that trip and how transformative it could be, if I let it.
You see, I’d let go of all my other addictions in my parents’ house — that’s where my recovery from bulimia began. It’s where I got sober from alcohol. This was back at the end of 2012. I thought, why not just leave the weed addiction here too? There was something so symbolic about it. I suffered through withdrawals during my visit, and I have been clean since.
So, let’s get to the void. Now that weed is gone, I was left with zero ways to escape myself. I had to feel every single fucking uncomfortable emotion that was coming up. I went through bad body image days (which had been rare for the last year or so), I felt lost as fuck, I thought I wanted to start a business and teach yoga and do human design readings, and and and and and… Turns out I don’t actually want any of that. I was channeling my uncomfortable feelings and need to be productive into what I thought people wanted of me. Fuck, I mean, up until a couple DAYS ago I thought I wanted most of that of me too.
How am I ever gonna get out of corporate if I don’t have a business?! Maybe the answer is that I need a new role — one where I actually fucking feel valued, where I can contribute — where I am not a contractor who has been dangled the carrot of a full-time role for 2.5 years now. I need more, I want more, and I am ready for me. I want fulfillment. I want to use the years of experience I have to do something that fucking matters — to be a leader, to move up!
I questioned why the fuck I went through and overcame all of these addictions if not to help people or talk about it. I just now have started to love myself enough to consider another option — maybe, just maybe, I went through all of this so I CAN LIVE MY LIFE and be FREE — so I can be this version of myself and cry on my walks because I am so grateful. I am getting emotional even writing about this because it makes it so real. I have gone through some really hard shit, and it has made me such a better person.
And now? Now, I just get to fucking live my life and enjoy the small moments — the pride I feel after nailing a pose I have been working on in yoga, the joy of walking at Loose Park and stopping to swing because I can, the long calls with my parents because I have grown so much emotionally that I can see them as fucking humans and forgive them and love them so much.
The pure bliss of a bubble bath, deep diving into learning about my Human Design, creating for the hell of it, just being able to breathe and not be in an addiction loop. THIS, allll of this and more is why I have gone through it. And now? I just get to BE.
So, that is what I will be doing. I will be writing more because it soothes my soul. I will still share on Instagram but not to try to establish a business — and not for any reason other than I felt joy or inspiration about something and felt like it.
So this is me crawling out of the void, filled with reverence and gratitude for what I have been through. And allowing myself the freedom to no longer feel the pressure to capitalize my creativity, or continue squashing my light by pouring vulnerability into the wrong outlet (Instagram). I am just going to fucking live my life, and that is enough. I am enough.