When Sobriety Teaches You About Emotional Waves
Riding Emotional Waves:
I didn’t realize just how emotional I was until I got sober. I stopped drinking in 2012 and all of my emotions came tumbling in. I started smoking weed shortly after stopping drinking and in the beginning, that really helped me manage all of the emotions that rushed in. When you’re in addiction, you’re numbing - your emotions get stuffed down and when you stop whatever it is you’re addicted to, they all surface. This is the messy middle - welcome!
So anyways, I knew I was an emotional person - I can cry at the drop of a hat - cute dog video, joy, gratitude, bad day, the list goes on. I also am aware that I can be the energizer bunny and just run on a to-do list all day accomplishing task after task, getting high off of it. Then there is this magical place we can call ‘neutral’ when I am present and calm. A rare occasion in early sobriety and it all resurfaced when I quit weed this February.
About a year and half ago or so, I started learning about Human Design - this exploration has helped me with self acceptance and I have gained deep wisdom about myself and how my energy works. It is because of my lived experience with HD that I have such a passion for it and incorporate it into my 1:1’s / mentorship / readings, etc.
HD helps you:
Understand your specific energetic blueprint
How your energy interacts with the world
Gives language to your patterns you may have not been able to name before
Highlights your natural gifts and the conditioning that pulls you away from them - I will be writing about "conditioning" in another article :)
Reminds you there is nothing to fix - nothing wrong with you - it gives you a way to return to yourself
Through my exploration of HD, I learned I have ‘Emotional Authority’ - this means I ride emotional waves. I go from the highest of highs to deep lows and I also land in the middle which is known as neutral. I recently realized ‘Rise Flow Rest’ (my brand / mantra / heart of what I do) works so well as a mantra for a quick check-in on where I am at in my wave and how to work with it:
Rise in the high
Flow in the neutral
Rest in the low
For more on rise flow rest - www.riseflowrest.com / Instagram @riseflowrest
When I am in a high or low, I should not be making big decisions! Waiting for a neutral place will bring me the most clarity and give me the ability to be sure of what I want to decide. If you have followed me on Instagram, you probably noticed I would appear and disappear - this was me making rash decisions in a low (always temporary - same for the high and the neutral). I would spiral into negative thoughts and tell myself stories about how nobody gives a shit and why am I being so open, who cares, etc. - a classic pity party. Then eventually I would rise to neutral and then high and come back again. What a ride!!
I have really started to tune in and check with myself where I am at in my wave so I can act accordingly. In my lows, I would also go on thee deep dives into trying to undersand what the fuck was wrong with me?! Turns out - nothing is wrong with me, I just ride emotional waves and I can be in a low for no reason at all. Of course there are times when the low is due to a result of something to feel low about - that is not the point of this deep dive - this is about the waves.
I have also excitedly shared about things (hello big announcement about teaching yoga) while in a high, and once I came back to neutral, realized that is not what I want at all. Turns out, I recognized that yoga is the ultimate way for me to neutralize my emotions - it gets me out of my mind so my thoughts can rest, and into my body so I can come home to myself. If I were to teach, I would be all up in my mind worried about cues, adjustments, the perfect playlists, creating amazing sequences, etc. This would take away how special yoga is for me.
Yoga has been instrumental in my healing - In addition to alcohol and weed, I also struggled with bulimia. I have been in recovery from it since 2012 and I am in the best place with food and body that I have ever been in now. Yoga has been my anchor - I cried many times when I first started practicing. I hated savasana, it was too quiet for me - too much open space for presence. Yoga has given me permission to be in my body exactly as it is, anytime, any day and I am so grateful for this.
Now, about regulating your waves - this is what I have learned, and I hope in sharing this it helps you have a place to start with exploring your own waves (whether or not you have Emotional Authority, I think we all ride waves - some may ride them in the ocean, and some in a wavepool).
My number one emotional cleanser / reset to neutral is yoga!
Another one for me is walking - I can get rest from my mind - I have been in a high and my ideas and plans are racing in my thoughts, walking helps me come down.
If I am in a low, taking a bath is soothing and lifts my spirits back to neutral.
Noticing I am in a low and reminding myself it will pass, and I do not need to live in the spiral of downward thoughts I am having
Giving myself grace and compassion, and trying to find movement I can do so I can reset my energy - maybe a trip to the thrift store (a helpful question I have started to ask myself when thrifting - is this curating or coping? - helps me put a lot of “great finds” back ;))
In looking at this list, it's a lot about nervous system regulation. What really got me thinking about neutralizing my waves was my yoga teacher, Jenna! She had a beautiful theme in class the other day: REST! She mentioned different types of rest: Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual. I had never considered what mental or emotional rest might look like. She talked about walking being a mental rest for her, and something just clicked in me about how yoga is that for me, and walking is that for me also.
I had been caught up in HD and asking myself about EVERYTHING if it was a ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘not yet’ in my body, and according to my design there should be an audible response. Like an “uh huh” - yes or “uh uh” - no, or “mmm” - maybe. I was doing this first thing in the morning about getting up and it was always a no. This ended up putting me in a low every morning. I was taking the process way too literally, stressing myself out about it and getting so frustrated. Frustration is my sign of being in my “not self” - oops!
So I spent some time digging into this, came back to my deep knowledge of how starting the day with yoga always sets the tone for me and I got back to it. HD should be easy, and I learned I really only need to be looking for the response in my body when I am asking myself about doing something new or in addition to my baseline routine. Like if something is going to take some of my energy - check in.
My baseline routine is what I know sets me at neutral, the habits I know work for me - self discipline so I can free up space in my mind for the bigger decisions. This also helps free up space / energy for other things. Once you have a structure that works for you in the basics, it takes less energy to work out every little thing.
I hope this helps open the door to understanding emotional authority and what the messy middle looks like. If you want to know more about me, work with me, etc. Please check out my website / connect on Instagram. Links in my profile here on Substack.
If you ride waves too, maybe you’ll start noticing where you rise, where you flow, and where you rest.
Here is to you coming home to yourself!